My fear of conflict is causing me to withdraw from life | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

It’s normal to want to avoid confrontation, but identifying where old patterns of doubt and self-blame come from helps us to be more assertive when necessary
• Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a problem sent in by a reader

I have been afflicted by shame and guilt, leading to anxiety and very low self-esteem, all my life. Whenever I find myself in conflict initiated by another person, I am so overcome by guilt and the feeling that I must be in the wrong, that I cannot think clearly. This prevents me being able to work out at the time, whether I have actually done something wrong that requires me to address the issue, or that the other person is being unreasonable. It is not until I have had time to process what has happened, that I can understand what has occurred. By then, the moment has gone.

If I do try to raise an issue of potential conflict with another person, I almost always do it in writing. I find that this way I can take time to express myself clearly. But where conflict arises on the spot, this is not an option.