This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: July 26, 2024

Got written up at work but not fired what am I supposed to do with this piece of paper do I mail it to my parents

— Jake Flores ???????? (@feraljokes) July 20, 2024

This. pic.twitter.com/TfkdYtecPz

— ᗰᗩƳᖇᗩ ℙ???????????????????????????????????????? (@LePapillonBlu2) July 19, 2024

Tenacious D now. pic.twitter.com/qVZCvUkPPi

— H. Perry Horton (@hperryhorton) July 19, 2024

it's called grooming, kyle https://t.co/2Iu4AngL6m

— dino the pale goon ❄️ (@DuctTapeShawty) July 19, 2024

yeah man that's like the defining characteristic of betrayal actually pic.twitter.com/zlOypqWW6v

— manny (@mannyfidel) July 19, 2024

sorry, i don't make the rules, but your twitter @ tells me that you deserve this https://t.co/uRajuFQFHc

— michael (@Sisyphusa) July 19, 2024

???????????? pic.twitter.com/FFiaMbvj9S

— Lina (@d0rkph0enix) July 19, 2024

The fact that a single company's software update can bring the global economy to a screeching halt should act as a dire warning about our over-reliance on centralized corporate computing infrastructure. But it won't.

— Zane Griffin Talley Cooper (@ZaneGTCooper) July 19, 2024

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this pic.twitter.com/nZS29h5x24

— Chris Alsikkan ™ (@AlsikkanTV) July 19, 2024

Watching those TWISTERS box office numbers to see if they're strong enough for the studio to go ahead with my pitch for TWIST3R, which right now consists entirely of "there is a good tornado on the team who helps them"

— Rob Wesley (@eastwes) July 20, 2024

Oh, so "There's no white culture"? What's this then? pic.twitter.com/XvuxDjamF3

— Thembo (@OnlyAWorldAway) July 20, 2024

The true story of little Robert Ritchie, known professionally as Kid Rock. ???? pic.twitter.com/wtauJAWJlt

— Bill Madden (@maddenifico) July 20, 2024

One of the most powerful things someone can do is reveal they were bald by choice https://t.co/ZDVUPRhRRH

— Grace Freud (@GraceGFreud) July 20, 2024

We have seen a different version of Chancellor Palpatine this week, a man humbled by his brush with death https://t.co/ZFqqKMC0I2 pic.twitter.com/P4b8oUTIqZ

— JRR Jokien (@joshcarlosjosh) July 20, 2024

Judge: Trump raped E. Jean Carroll.

CNN: Okay, but what about all the women he didn't rape? pic.twitter.com/Iy9Crb2zTz

— Miranda Yaver, PhD (@mirandayaver) July 20, 2024

Fox News uses the same guests in the network's voter panels. Caitlin Singleton, a Wisconsin resident, has appeared as an undecided and independent voter, a working mom, and just a mom, since 2020 in multiple Fox News segments. I also found other repeat guests - I provide receipts pic.twitter.com/vh8zYP4W0C

— Decoding Fox News (@DecodingFoxNews) July 20, 2024

Pierre Poilievre just told Canadian voters that Justin Trudeau was legalizing crack.

Let's see if the media in this country has the stones to fact check him. pic.twitter.com/n0vVZW5DQ7

— Roddy ???????? (@RodKahx) July 21, 2024

WHO is making these fake And Just Like That filming notices pic.twitter.com/cgB8Mgnyah

— Christina Casillo (@chrisrosecas) July 20, 2024

https://t.co/mpvVfoY1ML pic.twitter.com/O36NfetKez

— Brock (@brockomole) July 21, 2024

"Hey, let's switch our taping day to Saturday, no big news ever happens on a Sunday afternoon." — some idiots.

— Last Week Tonight (@LastWeekTonight) July 21, 2024

lmao https://t.co/DhGAXI8l4F pic.twitter.com/cqlpkAfVqp

— looks like #KHive's back on the menu, boys ???????????? (@vodkasnowflake) July 21, 2024

SUPER DUPER MEGA FUN FACT: Joe Biden singlehandedly forced Republicans to waste their entire convention attacking a candidate who wasn't running.

— Middle Age Riot (@middleageriot) July 21, 2024

Harris is such a good candidate because she can credibly claim the accomplishments of the administration without being held responsible for any of Biden's specific mistakes. She literally exists in the context of what came before but is also unburdened by what has been

— Finnegans Take (@LittleMammith) July 21, 2024

Republican strategists realising they've deliberately made this election about the cognitive decline of elderly men pic.twitter.com/rEW9zvrpmd

— Dr Emma Salisbury (@salisbot) July 21, 2024

God wanted Donald Trump to live so he can lose to a black woman.

— ????DeathMetalViking???? (@DeathMetalV) July 21, 2024

Kamala's menu of potential VPs pic.twitter.com/JUf9BSFodM

— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) July 21, 2024

Kamala Harris on Hot Ones has the potential to be on the level of Bill Clinton playing saxophone on Arsenio.

— Zach Heltzel ✈️ SDCC (@zachheltzel) July 21, 2024

let her lead the country pic.twitter.com/fNvB1yo3vn

— jodie (@jodieegrace) July 21, 2024

Biden's resignation letter "we overcame Covid." WRITTEN WHILE HE IS LITERALLY SICK WITH COVID

— Nate Bear (@NateB_Panic) July 21, 2024

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

— joe favalaro (@JoeFavalaro) July 21, 2024

pic.twitter.com/snyd8rZpmG

— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) July 21, 2024

pic.twitter.com/USRDIoyxUK

— matt (@inlanddernpire) July 21, 2024

So...Joe is not running again but he has ~6 months left as President.

How about we take that immunity ruling for a walk, shall we?

— ????????????????I Just Don't Care About Being Nice Anymore (@PurelyRick) July 21, 2024

This show. It's always this show. pic.twitter.com/yfvOZA4vRG

— Candice Fortman (cande313.bsky.social) (@Cande313) July 21, 2024

The Democratic Party has been plunged into unknown territory: enthusiasm!

— Chris Stephens (@ChrisStephensMD) July 21, 2024

I truly, honestly believe saying "Why are you being so weird" to Republicans is going to be a vibe shift https://t.co/lTn8byeiAE

— Batwingdings (@batwingdings) July 22, 2024

Kamala Harris is a force of nature. That's why she scares them.

"Can you think of any laws that give the government the power to make decisions about the male body?" pic.twitter.com/9F0AwnMUki

— Kaivan Shroff (@KaivanShroff) July 21, 2024

Kamala Harris just do it. Go on stage and say "Registered Republican? Registered pedophiles!" in your weird laughing cadence. Come on. You can do it just once.

— punished giorgio (@GMomurder) July 22, 2024

These men are terrified because they know that cat ladies are perfect for the job, as we are used to dealing with little assholes who don't do shit but want to be treated like kings https://t.co/GYYwUOcKTc

— Clare Blackwood (@clareblackwood) July 22, 2024

When I think of all the warehouses full of Fuck Joe Biden flags, I just laugh and laugh and laugh.

— Middle Age Riot (@middleageriot) July 22, 2024

"Kamala was a hoe back in the day "

I was too bitch !, she got my vote. ????️

— MARGARET DEL RAY (@DAGEsaidit) July 22, 2024

I need Kamala to win just because I need Musk to have wasted all that money on buying Twitter just for Trump to still lose.

— DiscordianKitty????⭐️????️‍???? (@DiscordianKitty) July 22, 2024

I told the Mets I can't pitch tonight https://t.co/Q0pLMZxjLR

— Danielle Sepulveres ???? (@ellesep) July 22, 2024

i want her to get up on that debate stage and thank him for his generous donation that helped her get to where she is today like i promise you that man will factory reset from panicking so bad aksjjsjskaka https://t.co/pQfFCSCpyM

— Shyanne (Taylor's Version) (@StanGirl1989) July 22, 2024

watching the Thin Blue Line crowd vote for the felon and the ACAB crowd vote for the cop pic.twitter.com/mMd3MsROcp

— Risotto Broad 3.0 (@esthers_ghost) July 22, 2024

This is the best explanation of Donald Trump talking about "Hannibal Lecter". pic.twitter.com/3Nmv7Us61S

— Walter Masterson (@waltermasterson) July 23, 2024

we joke but for real laughing at trump supporters and telling republicans how weird they are is actually a better strategy than wagging our fingers and moralizing at them. they do not care about morals, that doesn't work— but no one likes to be laughed at

— ellie schnitt! (@holy_schnitt) July 22, 2024

Trump has Palin'd himself. Vance has no charisma, is easily mockable and will become a laughing stock in short order.pic.twitter.com/bHBs0pNRZH

— Brandon Friedman (@BFriedmanDC) July 22, 2024

If JD Vance would have simply said "Mountain dew" it would've been fine, relatable even. That's a regular Joe blue collar soda. What kind of sick freak drinks diet Mountain Dew. Alienated every voter base with one line

— Justin????Boldaji (@justinboldaji) July 22, 2024

Has anyone zeroed in on the cringey specifics of white male mediocrity better than Mr Heidecker in the last decade? There's a clip for everything. The best. https://t.co/oTdaZ4qiGr pic.twitter.com/STSfO6eJ91

— Ryan H. Walsh (@JahHills) July 23, 2024

Diet Mountain Dew is such a cursed beverage. Mountain Dew is a carbonated bacchanal, a celebration of excess and mankind's hubris. To try and enjoy it at no caloric cost to oneself incurs a karmic debt. https://t.co/MoWeia11OW

— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) July 22, 2024

Lettuce commence the countdown! pic.twitter.com/9XeuNZ7QDR

— Lauren Windsor (@lawindsor) July 23, 2024

The rumors about the Trump camp already believing J.D. Vance was the wrong choice and he might be replaced honestly scare me because if that were to happen, I fear I may die from laughing. Like, literally perish from laughter.

— Charlotte Clymer ???????? (@cmclymer) July 23, 2024

Trump has been begging to make this race about age.

Let's talk about it old man.

— Antonio Arellano (@AntonioArellano) July 22, 2024

This is how it's done. @TheAtlantic ⤵️ pic.twitter.com/ZKEp1ysTd6

— Jennifer Schulze (@NewsJennifer) July 23, 2024

Apple TV+ is so funny they're like oh, shit, yeah, we have an amazingly talented, Oscar
-winning, hot hot hot, actress in a 1960s murder mystery thriller but ah shit we forgot to tell you, my fault

— Ashtyn Butuso (@lil_buts) July 24, 2024

https://t.co/k8jtvagXet pic.twitter.com/kUbTu901yF

— Zack Zwiezen (@ZwiezenZ) July 23, 2024

https://t.co/x7uyNbfOt7 pic.twitter.com/0lJxRfbx2o

— NJ ???? (@NoJusticeMTG) July 23, 2024

Some Boomer shared a super sexist anti-Kamala meme in my town's local Facebook group and his ex wife just hopped into the comments with, "This is why I divorced you, Bob." pic.twitter.com/tLWnSsSN9N

— Kendall Brown (@kendallybrown) July 23, 2024

"Kamala is a descendant of a white slave owner"

Baby I got news for you!!!

— Morgan Jerkins (@MorganJerkins) July 24, 2024

good, yes, now just try and guess why a black woman might be descended from a slaveowner, just stretch your mind to the very limits and try and make an educated fucking guess pic.twitter.com/s9qH8n4sno

— David Thomas Moore (@dtmooreeditor) July 23, 2024

THERE WILL BE NO KAMALA SLANDER ON MY TIMELINE! pic.twitter.com/JhqRkqqAkI

— Tony Posnanski (@tonyposnanski) July 23, 2024

you cannot tell me this isn't george santos in drag again https://t.co/YzlGaRDQQH

— alex (@ax_ferg) July 24, 2024

Kamala is absolutely a DEI hire:

-Democrat who

-Exists

-In the context of all in which she lives and what came before her

— Dan Amira (@DanAmira) July 24, 2024

No president of America has ever given birth - I don't understand why it's suddenly an issue

— Janey Godley (@JaneyGodley) July 23, 2024

What does Kamala Harris husband or relationships have to do wit her credentials? Do y'all hire people based on who they fcking??

— Cardi B (@iamcardib) July 23, 2024

I can't believe he said this……on camera. pic.twitter.com/ah96O62JDl

— Brian Baez (@MentallyDivine) July 24, 2024

"I'm going to compare her to another person no one likes: the most popular person in the world" https://t.co/gf33ujoF0b

— actioncookbook (@actioncookbook) July 24, 2024

well this can only end in some kind of international incident https://t.co/TvG8Jl9XaJ

— molly conger (@socialistdogmom) July 24, 2024

One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said "I've got fish in the car" and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can't talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you're not at a grocery store honestly.

— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) July 24, 2024

Still just as hilarious 40 years later. pic.twitter.com/ZzcTuQpeez

— Brian Stack (@BrianStack153) July 24, 2024

This is how WWE wrestlers watch Raw backstage when the camera pans to them https://t.co/KG8jHkqD48

— Marc Raimondi (@marcraimondi) July 25, 2024

tv isn't for everyone pic.twitter.com/gEMYsLMTd0

— helena hind (@cynicalzoomer) July 25, 2024

Kinda incredible that he was like an adult cartoon sitcom version of an assassin https://t.co/3DEbAnYYVA

— Mr. Chau (@Srirachachau) July 24, 2024

Jerry is clearly in the writers room now https://t.co/MtMYvBkqlE

— Adam Friedland (@AdamFriedland) July 24, 2024

(he is literally a convicted felon) is sending me https://t.co/DifxFjnrQR

— maybe: diane ???? (@dianelyssa) July 25, 2024

Kamala Harris who was a Senator for 4 years and has been Vice President for almost 4 years doesn't have the experience to be President say the people who voted for a reality TV star who bankrupted a casino…

— Stu Cameron (@stucam7771) July 24, 2024

"Wow that's so, interesting they should make a TV show about this" pic.twitter.com/vXJNCoxGXS

— Aaron Fritschner (@Fritschner) July 24, 2024

SOFA FUCKER AND CHILDLESS CAT LADY. ???? pic.twitter.com/Xo0MXRzyHT

— Sarah Larchmont (@SarahLarchmont) July 25, 2024

being a fact checker sounds fun. one day you're finding out if a former President actually went golfing, the next day you're researching billionaire contributions to a campaign, and then someone runs in like "hey can you find out if a guy fucked a couch for real?"

— Morgan Murphy (@morgan_murphy) July 25, 2024

My only take on the veepstakes is that Kamala should let the tryouts go on as long as possible. Nothing like having 6-10 white dudes hyping you up on national television every day

— snek (@thee_snek) July 24, 2024

Russia is killing white people https://t.co/1KCald87dF

— الكسندرا ميراي???????? (@LexiAlex) July 24, 2024

She's literally Palestinian you brainless moron https://t.co/l9huz3bLHT

— Evan (@evanjmez) July 24, 2024

You can't reform this. https://t.co/8VjkMO78De

— the late great benjamin flores (@limitlessjest) July 25, 2024

Say it with me:

Weird. https://t.co/3V8Zx3nUYI

— Tim Walz (@Tim_Walz) July 25, 2024

I'll just say: Endorsement as a stepmom from your partner's ex is possibly… the hardest endorsement in the whole damn world. https://t.co/uQrT7o5Qw0

— Ashley Parker (@AshleyRParker) July 25, 2024

two articles, same paper, same writer, 14 days apart. you tell me wtf is going on. pic.twitter.com/P90JbVrj9v

— crunchyrugger (@crunchyrugger) July 25, 2024

the "JD Vance had sex with a couch" saga, explained pic.twitter.com/sbknH6SvSS

— manny (@mannyfidel) July 25, 2024

I don't really care what JD Vance did it didn't do. I just hope it was a committed relationship with furniture and not one nightstand.

— Dan Wade (@Dwade) July 25, 2024

JD Vance upsetting his wife on purpose so he has to sleep on the couch

— Matthew (@fattmellows) July 25, 2024